Microsoft buys The Sisters of Mercy
Press Release, 8/17/95

In a surprise commercial move, Microsoft Software Inc. today announced the purchase of former goth rock band, The Sisters of Mercy (tm). This acquisition will herald a new corporate division, Microsoft Records Inc. Lead ubermeister of the Sisters, Mr Andrew Eldritch (40), said that he hopes to tie in the release of his next album with the release of Windows 95, although record industry insiders said they did not expect it to be that early.

Philip Schucklemeyer, previously Product Manager of the Word Performance Group and now MD of Microsoft Records, said: "We see the Sisters of Mercy as the perfect complement to the reputation our software products have gained over the years, and we're looking forward to working together." He denied that Microsoft only sought the deal after being turned down by Carl McCoy. Industry critics claimed that, much like Microsoft products, the Sisters of Mercy also tended to crash into flames and disappear without trace just when things were going well.

Purchasers of the new album are expected to receive a voucher entitling them to 10% off the Windows 95 upgrade. Schucklemeyer said: "We believe this expands customer choice by giving them the option of which CD to use in their PC and hifi system. Both releases will be multi-platform; if you'd rather listen to Windows 95 and execute the Sisters, you can do that."

The next album is already rumoured to be called "Widows 95", although Sisters pundits poured scorn on the suggested title: "95 might conceivably apply to Microsoft Windows, but is hopelessly optimistic for the Sisters album," said one.

The Sisters official fan club, The Reptile House Co. Ltd. (tm), were unavailable for comment, leaving an answering message offering the sale of "5,000 slightly damaged Zippo lighters".

Andrew Eldritch lives in Hamburg and drives a pink Mercedes.

Bill Gates lives in Seattle and drives which ever car he chooses.